Can you forgive yourself?

“You need to forgive yourself before you can forgive others” is a phrase often heard from both secular and Christian counselors but is it biblical. Can, or better said, SHOULD, you forgive yourself?

The majority of Christians I’ve asked have said that they believed self-forgiveness was crucial to understanding one’s own forgiveness from God and was also a precursor to our ability to forgive others. When asked, “Where does God say this?” the typical response is “God does tell us that in order to love your neighbor, you first must love yourself (Mt 19.19) so it seems to follow that in order to forgive another, you first must learn to forgive yourself.” It seems reasonably logical but does God really say, “love yourself so you can love others?”
The actual verse is “love your neighbor as yourself” which C.S. Lewis does a wonderful job explaining this way:

“You are told to love your neighbour as yourself. How do you love yourself? When I look into my own mind, I find that I do not love myself by thinking myself a dear old chap or having affectionate feelings. I do not think that I love myself because I am particularly good, but just because I am myself and quite apart from my character. I might detest something which I have done. Nevertheless, I do not cease to love myself. In other words, that definite distinction that Christians make between hating sin and loving the sinner is one that you have been making in your own case since you were born. You dislike what you have done, but you don’t cease to love yourself. You may even think that you ought to be hanged. You may even think that you ought to go to the Police and own up and be hanged. Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/163002-you-are-told-to-love-your-neighbour-as-yourself-how

Love and forgiveness are similar but not synonymous. God loves the world, but He does not forgive them all their sins. You might forgive your ex-wife for stealing your money, but you aren’t going to love her as a spouse again! However, if you love your wife, you’re inevitably going to forgive all she has or will do in order to maintain your relationship.

Similarly, God commands us to love and forgive; however, He commands us to love as He does but does not command us to forgive as if we were Him. Some say John 20.23 tells us that “if you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven” but Jesus also told His disciples “if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.” Where we might agree that we can forgive others of their sins against us (Mt 6.14), nearly all of us would agree that we can’t “retain” God from forgiving others of their sins, after all “Who can forgive sins but God alone?” (Mk 2.7).

When you ask Christians what do they mean by “forgive yourself,” they usually say, “Admit that you have sinned, know that you are forgiven, cleanse your conscience and move on in God’s love.” In other words, they are defining repentance without using the actual word. The Greek word for repentance is “metanoia,” which means to change your mind, which literally happens when one receives the Holy Spirit who is called the “mind of Christ” (1Cor 2.9-16). “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1John 1.9). God’s part in this is forgiveness, our part is confession and repentance.

We should not think we are in the place of God to forgive ourselves or others of sins they have committed against Him. However, because we are forgiven, we should proceed with a clear conscience so that we too can forgive others as He commands. That is the meaning of repentance: to stop thinking only of me and to start thinking as God has commanded of me.